OK. Now we have got all that out of the way, let’s have a go at the Biggest Question Of All, viz and to whit: how to be happy. (And no cartoons here, because they may only get in the way.) If you’re wondering why I made such a song and dance about the Anglican Church, here’s why. I think I’ve made it fairly clear that belief is finite and immutable already. Everyone believes in something. Anglicanism functions like a vaccine. Bring yourself and your childer up as Anglicans, and you (and they) should be mostly proof against weirdo nutjob cults. Cults thrive in moral vacuums. So next time you’re confronted by lunatics wanting you to join the First Church Of Jesus Christ Give Me All Your Money Right Now, you can give them a big glassy stare and think nope nope nope. Not playing; not interested. I don’t care if you’re a lapsed Anglican. At least you know what a comparatively sensible religion looks like.
Eudaimonia
Basically this is a life of flourishing through virtue and reason. It stands as a polar opposite to hedonia, which is the pursuit of happiness. What we are looking at is a life well-lived. Modern folks are mostly pursuing happiness. Surprise, surprise: it is constantly receding around the corner. Retail therapy is hedonia personified. Buy More Stuff! It will make you happy! No it won’t. The more you possess, the less you have. Everyone used to know this. It’s disappeared, and this isn’t a good thing at all. Buy what you need and use it until it breaks down. Buy things which are built to last. Remember the Sam Vimes Theory of Boots. And do not feel that you can break rules just because you can. If they are bad rules, ignore them. Just use your intelligence.
Keeping Promises
At the age of 13 I read the Lord of the Rings for the first time. (I’m up to forty-something reads now, and I know much of it by heart.) I was a terrorised child living in a House of Horrors. JRRT’s wonderful imagination gave me the key to survival. He showed me a wider and wilder world in which children weren’t abused, and adults could be better than (in Shaw’s wonderful phrase) a little selfish clod of ailments complaining that the world won’t devote itself to making them happy. Leithian, or Release From Bondage, was indeed possible. And we all fell in love with Faramir, who showed us what actual grown men could be like:
‘We are truth-speakers, we men of Gondor. We boast seldom, and then perform, or die in the attempt.’
Valerie Solonas (from the Society for Cutting Up Men) once proclaimed that every man knows that deep down he is a worthless piece of shit. (Speak for your own acquaintance, lady, and leave me out of it.) I don’t really know how widespread this emotion is. What I do know is that the company I choose to keep does not look like this. If you’re a liar, a cheat, a thief and a rapist, then naturally you believe Ms Solonas. Just don’t be that person in the first place and you won’t feel like that. Men who have kept their self-respect do not despise themselves. But how to begin? Read on….
The best way to begin your journey to happiness is this. Start by keeping promises. Your word, once given, should be sacrosanct. So don’t break it, and be very careful before you give it. This is a traditional English virtue, now alas in slow eclipse. But it was a fine thing. Try it out. And don’t tell lies. There is a reason Satan was called the Father of Lies. Lies don’t make you happy. Does my bum look big in this? is a question which may be answered with a soupcon of prevarication. If it does, she doesn’t want to know. You may tell little white lies like this. Tremendous black whoppers? Nope nope nope. Just don’t. Ever.
Be Other-Centred
It is a curious fact that when you devote a good deal of your life to What Does This Person Really Need? you will find yourself far happier than if you stay being selfish. You cannot be a good lover if your own pleasure is what you are chasing. Please your lover and you will please yourself. And be generous. My Beloved taught me to be generous. Growing up I had nothing to be generous with. I didn’t have two sticks to rub together. But when we started getting money she began giving it away. I saw how happy it made her, and I decided to try it out myself. And it worked. btw don’t ever lend people money. Especially not friends. The thing to tell them is this. If you really need it, I’ll just give it to you. But don’t be St Francis of Assisi. He came from a rich family. The underlying awkward fact is that if you give everything away someone else (like Daddy) will have to reimburse you. Don’t give more than you can afford.
What is more important is being generous with yourself. Listen to people. Give them a sympathetic ear, up to a point. Do not let them batten onto you and treat you as a bottomless pit of sympathy. This never works. It’s no good for either of you. Help them out, with intelligence and genuine sympathy. It will make you happy. If it doesn’t, then you’re doing it wrong.
Drop the Entitlement
Much of the accumulated misery of the world comes from one terrible phrase. And it reads like this: ‘But I’m entitled!’ If you feel that the world has sawn you off and it’s made you into a bitter, selfish curmudgeon, then it’s time to reprogram your head. Roll it all up into a big ball, go to the top of a hill, and let go of it. Other people don’t owe you anything. And there is no more bitter irony than a First World person complaining that Someone Did Me Out Of Something. Really? For half the world’s population life is a tale of horror. Try being grateful for what you have. Let go of the carking nonsense inside that tells you that someone is doing better than you and it’s all their fault.
Every single Incel lurking in their parents’ basement suffers from entitlement syndrome. Do you really think that the world owes you a girfriend? Try shaking hands with reality first. Far too many men out there may as well get a tattoo reading UNDATEABLE on their foreheads.
There is a reason for the 4B epidemic. Many women have decided that they want nothing to do with men ever again. Many other young persons (I know quite a few) have decided on the Non-Binary option. What they are saying is this: If that’s what being a girl means then you can stick it up your nose. I’m not playing. Quite a few lads are also gender-bending because they are repelled and revolted by what they see around them. Yuck! If that’s what being a boy means then I’m outa here. Nope nope nope.
And many other bystanders are getting their underwear in a twist over this. If they are adults, then their refutation is terribly straightforward. ‘Really? And what business is this of yours?’ Now if men behaved better, I suspect there would be a lot less of this. But it is undeniable that There Are Only Two Genders is a false paradigm. Biologists will tell you that it really is a lot more complex than that. Some folks really are intersex. Some were never happy with their birth gender, and have found solace in swapping over. It isn’t any of your business anyway. Treat them as actual humans; be more accepting of difference; and the world will seem a brighter place.
It’s Never My Fault
There are some folks who can’t be helped. One of life’s harder lessons comes with the realisation that the person you’re listening to never blames themself for Wot Went Wrong. The horror of my childhood was mostly inflicted by a person who blamed everybody else for their troubles, and never themself. When this person is a bio-parent, your duty is clear. No, they can’t be helped. They will be an unrepentant sinner all their life. Your duty lies in lulling the dragon to sleep. You must treat them with kindness, right up until the moment when they start screaming at you again. That’s when you hang up the phone, or leave the house when it’s in person. Make it clear that any future relationship is on your terms, not theirs. All this I did. The result was that when they finally perished in extreme old age, I felt nothing other than relief, and the satisfaction of having managed their volcanic moods to the best of my ability.
If they have no claim on you, then shun them. People who cannot be helped have no place in your life. Do not invite them to parties. This will only bring breakage and bedlam. Their salvation, or otherwise, is in their hands. And if you are a man whose life is unravelling because SHE LEFT ME! HOW DARE SHE? then treat this as a bleeping red light on the dashboard of your life. If she left you then it simply didn’t work out. Let her go. Let the whole thing go. It’s not worth it. Satan loves it when men get all angsty and controlling. Wake up and smell the brimstone! Let her go. The unending nightmare that women leaving bad relationships face is all about Treating People As Things. And that is the first step on the road to perdition. The best way to get off that journey is never to begin it.
Stop Doomscrolling
Now everyone has a smartphone, it seems that these blasted devices have taken over people’s lives. Doomscrolling can only depress you. It’s not as if you’re helping anybody. A quick flip through the day’s events is all you need or want. And especially if you are young, do NOT spend your life comparing yourself with photoshopped Perfect Personhood. This only leads to bodily self-hatred. It is possible to make a sow’s ear out of a silk purse, but this is a journey best left unattempted. Do not join in the freak show. Just learn to accept who you are and what you look like. So many lovely young persons turn themselves into plastic monsters for no readily discernible reason. Don’t even begin.
Give yourself a deadline. Half an hour on the phone every day. That is all you should be looking at. For the rest of your time, why not try Real Life? It’s much more satisfying.
Cultivate Indifference
Not to suffering. Rather to influencers and the advertising industry generally. Your best weapon against these annoying folks is simply to shut your eyes and ears and pay them no attention. I used to get annoyed by the endless loop of ads on You-Tube. I know these people are simply lying to me because they want to be paid. Everyone has to earn a living somehow. You may pity the humans talking at you by all means. Just assume indifference to the message. Almost everything you are told you must buy to achieve happiness will not be something you want. Just let it go. Click on Skip Ad and get on with your life.
Your boss is an idiot? Again, cultivate indifference. Most people survive in large corporations by lowering their expectations. Look for work-arounds, try and find ways to keep this poor cubicle-dweller happy. Roll your eyes in gentle mockery at the company’s Mission Statement. It will be a postmodern simulacrum emptied of all possible meaning; so don’t stress about it. If you have an idiot boss, remember what Mr Jesus said. This person is your enemy. Love your enemies; but don’t try to enter into their weirdo corporate babble. Be as kind as you can to them. And you never know. Sometimes your boss really is genuinely talented and kind. I have known several. Cherish them. They are jewels in a naughty world.
Learn Innocence
The Victorians in England were a thoroughly weird subspecies. Their many crimes are only too obvious in retrospect. Their many virtues have got buried, unfortunately. Almost alone in 19th century Europe they suffered from bad conscience. When Dickens rammed their iniquities into their faces they repented often. There was also a great deal of backsliding; but the price Dickens exacted for the happy endings he gave them was this. Here is a terrible evil. Fix it! And quite often they did just that. It was an immortally slow journey. The rest of Europe did not trouble even to embark upon it, with significant exceptions.
One of their incurable delusions was their belief in the innocence of children. (Yes, they did specialise in cognitive dissonance.) Innocence is not innate in humanity. It has to be learned. The happiest people I know have done so. Learning to relate with simple goodness to others is all too rare on this wicked world of ours. But it works. These are the people you need as your friends. Look upon those you meet with a clear eye and you will know them. If Christianity is not to your taste, then study Laozi. He knew all about being simple and good. Drop the attitude. Spontaneity is the key. You cannot heal all the hurts in the world. Every time I give to charities I cannot but feel that this is the merest drop in an ocean of misery.
And yet. Every bit helps. I support an impromptu cat shelter. Mme and I have taken in dozens of stray cats. I can do nothing about all the world’s stray animals. Their sorrow is a grief to me. When they turn up on your doorstep, that is a different matter. Now it’s spontaneous, personal, and you must do it. During the 1980s in one month we received three cats, a dog, two ducks, a rabbit, a guinea-pig, and a pregnant goat. We already had four cats and could not really house any more in a tiny cottage. But all were successfully rehomed, except for the ducks. We didn’t ask to become a shelter for lost ducks, but Quark became the warden of our back garden for a joyful decade. At other times I have rehomed many other lost cats. And the Sad Patch in the back garden houses the bones of a score of strays who came asking for shelter, and lived long, happy lives here. We can do no other.
Form Communities
Ambassador Delenn (Babylon 5) was wont to remark that this was the genius of humanity. She was right. Only thus can we create the world we need. Kinship and clan grouping is a sure recipe for dysfunction. When we see ethnic groups that only trust each other, you know that they are destined for failure. Reach out, find Your People and become part of a new family of like-minded folks. You need never be lonely again. While you should not neglect your bio-fam, you really ought to have at least one – and preferably more than one – Family of Choice. If you have not, then please: break out of the ghetto. There’s a better life out there. Come on out and embrace it.
Learn To Play Again
I’ve left the most important bit till last. When did you stop playing? Homo Ludens is what we should be. When we watch kittens playing, it reminds us of who we ought to be, and can be. And play does not mean wasting your life at a gaming console. There is nothing social about that. Play D & D and other RPGs if you like. That at least is a social thing. The world is desperately short of creativity. And why? Because when you lose the impulse to play, creativity quietly slips out the back door and leaves the premises.
Play unlocks the secret hoard of human possibility. And what is considerably more to the point, if you can become a person who is gentle and playful, then most of the world’s guardrails and prohibitions won’t be necessary. You won’t do bad things because you won’t want to. Fun is far more satisfying that being a little orc, or a liar, a cheat or a thief. Developing a talent for fun will make you popular in a way that getting rich doesn’t. Please consider.
Summary
Drop the attitude and the entitlement. Be simple and good. Learn innocence. Keep your word when given. Do not prey upon others, especially the young and helpless. Be (like Kipling’s Kim) a little friend of all the world. Be strong, kind, and gentle. The world will thank you for it. And smile back at you. Because they will know you for what you are. And please learn to play. Play is what makes us human.